Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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