Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
