Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
