i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
literally had 100 drinks last night.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
