Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
