shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
