My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
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