I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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