i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
