One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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