I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I AM VODKA MAN
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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