just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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