I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
