you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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