I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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