I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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