My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
