things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
