using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Randomize
