I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
