I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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