i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
