i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
