Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
