Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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