i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
