Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
