I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
