If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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