Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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