He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I currently don't understand fingers.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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