He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
