Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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