i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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