"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
