Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
