I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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