I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
