Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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