That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
