dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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