Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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