its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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