my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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