i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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