Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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