My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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