So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My balls are so social today.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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