Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Randomize
