I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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