Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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