Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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